I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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