I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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