hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
