I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
