he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
