Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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