apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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