worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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