she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
