i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
