these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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