You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
