I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
