Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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