yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
