splinters make it hard to masturbate
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So many bounce houses so little time
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
