Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
