I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
