saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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