Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
