Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
