Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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