A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
