im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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