You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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