My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
soo... how was my night?
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