He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
