I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am mentally ready for anal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
