the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
