Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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