we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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