Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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