I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i think my cat just said my name.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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