im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
