Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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