listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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