I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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