My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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