im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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