Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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