Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
