My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
