I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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