you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize