I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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