you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
