Please, let me fuck your mom
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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