There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
