Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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