I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
