That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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