he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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