Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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