I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So squirting runs in the family.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
