Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
